Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Intermittent and Inert

Over the holidays/my vacation time (except for the bits where I had reports to run) I had large chunks of unfettered time. But, even though I could sparingly visualize "doing things" and "getting things done" I couldn't seem to do or get done.

I hate that I peter out. I hate that after a few minutes of moving clutter and tossing trash, I need a break and then seem to never come back to the activity.

Some of it is age and lack of energy. Some of it is chronic pain sapping my will. Some of it is just the recalcitrant part of me that just won't do what I should. 

I wish I could overcome this. I know I would feel so much happier with a clean and organized living space. All three of us would benefit from space and air and clean. 

But it eludes me. 

Friday, December 2, 2016

So, Five Years Later

Goodness. I have failed to use this at all over the years, I think I keep myself to shorter posts on FB and Twitter. Or I just find myself super lazy about anything.

We are ramping up to Christmas and as usual the house is a hellmouth meaning we need to tidy before dragging out tree and decorations.

Working at Mattel now. Three years as of today. That's good. Stable and good for a job.

And now I don't feel like saying much else.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

It's like I go on sabbatical

Once again it's been around six months since my last post. How to explain it. Some of it is that I post on Tumblr, or Twitter, or, while I had a contract job on Google+ and that fulfills whatever information dispensing need I have. But mostly it's that I'm still jobless, jibless, disorganized, unsuccessful and melancholy.

Time at home still hasn't produced a Martha Stewart or even a half-Martha-like cleaned up existence. I'm still not creating as much as I want and it comes in fits and spurts. The most recent finished product is this pillow that was originally a Christmas present for my Aunt (for 2010) but ended up a belated birthday present (just sent it, her birthday in July) for her. At least I finally finished it. There are many other projects I've yet to finish that started out at Xmas gifts.

I wish I had a great explanation for my extreme lack of inertia. I assume it's depression in some form. It renders me slug-like and fog-brained. I am "getting through" life instead of living it. I don't like that it's this way. I'm definitely hoping for change.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Where Have I Been?

I'm not sure. Being laid off over a year ago killed my spirit for a time. Then there's all the busy-ness of trying to find a job. And working contract jobs, which are full time but pay far less than a "real" job and certainly don't come with health benefits.

When I do post something it's over here http://andeeofwhimsy.tumblr.com/ but I'm not terribly good at doing that either. The most recent thing I've crafted is probably this bag for my sister at Xmas. I have so many other things I'm still finishing that I planned to give at Christmas. Now they will be Spring or Summer gifts.

I wish I was using this chaotic, jobless time off to whip my house into shape and craft/create up a storm. But the paralyzing nature of the unknown (in terms of a job/finances/etc) leaves me stuck.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Can a Potato Get a Job?

It's been just over a week since I became redundant, was let go, was told "it's not you, it's us." To be frankly honest, I still haven't finished updating my resume, haven't shipped the work computers back to New Jersey, haven't posted anything or looked at anything on Monster or CareerBuilder. I'm a slug. I'm unmotivated, I'm easily distracted and my fear of so many aspects to being jobless is paralyzing.

As we move quickly toward Thanksgiving (made a plan? Oh, right, I have to cook a turkey dinner...hmm...better get on that) and only slight more slowly toward Christmas (gifts? I have to think what to buy and afford them?) I feel ill-skilled to get all this done.

Even right now I need to tidy the living room as Fletcher has a pal coming over tomorrow. It's a pigsty in there. I just look at it and sigh. Then I sit on the couch and it adheres to me and I don't want to get up.

I can only hope I can overcome this lack of inertia and move in the vector of a job hunt. Easily the least favorite chore of my adult life.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Letting It Wash Over Me

My Friday (the one just a few days ago) was going pretty well. I had finished my Friday report, was getting started on another project when my boss called. I admit that I don't remember the exact words because as soon as the words "bad news" entered my ear, so did a rushing noise of doom as I was told that the CEO who started on Thursday had made some cost-cutting decisions and I was one of them. After four years at this company, I am unemployed.

My British friends call it being redundant. What a mild word for such a sad concept. I'm no longer valuable. This CEO looked at a spreadsheet, saw some numbers next to my name, couldn't decide what I added to the company, made a red mark. I'm sad, shocked, a little blue. I'm trying not to be frantic. In my attempt at calm, I've become something more like paralyzed. Inaction is my task for today. Again, it seems sad.

Yes, I called the headhunter I used four years ago. She actually remembered me. Does that say something about me (and I hope it's good) or something about how sharp she is? Also a good thing. I'm still putting off redoing my resume. I will, really, probably tomorrow or Thursday. I just fear it. It's such a concrete admission of what's going on. Also, I managed to not get to the Unemployment office in time today. Actually, I got there 25 minutes before they closed, but they waved me off with imperious government employee waves, finally saying, "come back tomorrow."

I'm afraid. I'm still stunned. I was told this wasn't because of how I did my job, but how can I not feel like a failure for being some lacking in value to be easily dismissed. I will tell myself that better things are ahead and meanwhile fear that being 46, fluffy and with skills for a job usually populated by people at the beginning of their work history will consign me to something I dislike, or something that doesn't give me a survivable wage.

For now, I let the fear wash over me, I let the panic slide down my back, I let the paralysis take its time with me and I try to find joy in sitcoms, oat bran in a real fabric bag and lotion that smells like pink grapefruit.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thinking Through Cotton

I didn't realize that the lingering effect of flu would be a wooliness to my thoughts. Sure, I still have the gooiest cough that interrupts my sleep and continues to send me running for the bathroom as I try not to pee on myself, but it's the foggy brain that plagues me most. Plague - see what I did there?

Which is, frankly amazing, that I could make any sort of wordplay or joke as I feel like my personality has been folded into a tiny, sad square and packed away in a little, plain box. I feel dull, stupid and scatter-brained. I'm not known for having a great memory, but I can't walk three steps without forgetting why I started.

I can only hope that as the last of the insidious virus leaves my body, or the last of the white cells reorganize my internal system, that I will get back a bit of verve. Currently, I'm verve-less. Also, I'm lacking pep, vitality, energy and wit. Yes, totally witless.

So, while, inside my head I'm thinking complex thoughts about the misery of this House bill on healthcare that passed, but was neutered by the Stupak amendment, I can't seem to express any of the usual passion for or against the inspiring and irritating political types we've been seeing on our televisions. Bear with me, I'm sure my snarky, mean and hopefully, funny self will return.